I'm Black.
I'm an Ordained Elder, a Christian, a preacher.
And I'm a single mom by choice.
All meshed together.
Sometimes I wonder what comes first: my family? my religion? my race?
It's not just theoretical. Very practical.
With no sleep and a tired, cranky child with a tired, cranky mom on a Sunday morning, do we go to church?
A blue eyed, ever-blonding baby on my hip - do I leave his hair loose and curly or lock it up? If I lock it, is it an attempt to prove his Blackness? To somehow cover up his identity?
Oh shit! I'm a Black single mom!
That one hit me early. I'm a statistic. Hell, now that I'm unemployed and have bill collectors looming, I really am a statistic.
Rev. Single Mom.
One guy actually called me that.
I think he thought he was flirting. But he had (at least) 2 problems: 1) That ain't cute. 2) He wasn't either.
Rev. Single Mom.
And, yet, here I am, up at midnight for a month contemplating just what I want to do.
Race is inherent, ingrained by societal labels based on the shade of my skin.
So they say.
But my child is beyond light, bright... he might as well be white. And he's a little Black boy.
So, is race just skin deep?
I'll have to remember to ask the scholars.
Religion can be changed.
Family, too.
Those are my stress spots.
My God! I love my God!
I am a theologian afterall. If all else fails, theorize about God.
That's my mantra.
The thought has occured to me on more than one occassion that it may be time for a change.
When I had a newborn and was trying hard to look presentable as I left the house, I envied Muslim women.
Then I got over the need to look presentable. And wondered why the hell anyone cared what I put on my body.
I figured out how to wear the Hijab.
Woulda worn it outside, too, except my child thinks it's a sheet. And sheets are, thanks to Gramma, toys. Kinda hard to do the Hijab thing when you have a giggling child crawling behind you pulling it off with every step.
But still.
Change is thick in the air.
My desire for number 2 is no secret. I want Salahaldin to have siblings. Money. Health care. Job. Obstacles.
Change is thick in the air.
Every religion has its issues.
Precisely because every religion has its leaders.
And as much as Revelation is central to my theology, the Resurrection is the heart of my faith.
Otherwise, I'd figure out how to teach my kid to leave my hijab in place.
