My head is full of so many thoughts. So full, in fact, that I can't begin to process the information necessary for my school work. It's summer. Brain deadness always happens in summer. That part I'm used to. But this, this feeling is different. My mind is spinning. But the words aren't coming. I'm full of thoughts, hopes and dreams but the ability to process and make sense of information isn't readily available. I think I need a brain dump.
I'm dreaming again. This part is good. I think it's good anyway. I spend a lot of time wondering "what if" ... what if I decided to skip the single mom by choice life and date? And get married? What if the one I've been dreaming about for ages actually saw me? How would my life be different? Is this something I need to aim for? This line of questioning is prompted by all of the single mom bashing in the media ... and conversations with friends. I've reached the point where I'm thinking about what the word "family" means. That and, honestly, I'm quite sure that having a second income would make life easier. Of course, I need to put my faith where my mouth is and actually trusts that God will provide ... with or without a partner.
Pregnancy does that, I think. It makes you reflect on how you're living and what you want for your life. Oh, what's that? No idea what I'm talking about? Right. I guess this is the official announcement. I'm expecting #2. I miscarried in February so I've been a little nervous about announcing this pregnancy. That, and I'm acutely aware that not everyone will celebrate this with me. What I heard from some of my "friends" in the wake of my miscarriage convinced me that my business is my own. Not everyone who should celebrate/cry with you will - sometimes because they're just not able.
I have to mention that I have several friends in the midst of divorce. I've been thinking about them, their pain ... and, for some of them, their joy. And I'm consumed by the reasons for the splits. Some of my friends have chosen to leave abusive situations, they've been up front and honest about choosing life for themselves. Some of my friends have convinced their soon-to-be-former spouses that there is love where there is not. To see both sides of those stories is heartbreaking. Witnessing the deceit - and seeing the pain - it takes a toll. Considering that some of the most deceitful and manipulative in these situations are also the ones with the worst - and most harmful - reaction to my own tragedy, I'm ready to purge friends. And family.
The thoughts of who I want in my life and why, really, are the most time consuming. I need to revamp my life. I do wish it were as easy in real life as it is on Facebook. Letting go of people and situations is difficult - especially when they're constantly present. Out of sight and out of mind is so much easier to do. So I've been trying to figure out how to make drastic cuts in my life. While thinking about marriage, planning for a second child, looking for a place to live, trying to figure out a budget for the next school year, planning for the Son's first year of preschool and, all the while, neglecting my prospectus. That's been my summer.
