Loving it!

Furloughed, a four day weekend. Thrilled to be in it but dreading what the check at the end of the month will look like.
I'm supposed to be finishing up a paper on Black Intellectuals. That's why Salahaldin is at his grandmother's house, playing with her dog and with his aunt. But I'm taking these few moments of freedom to clean house, to bake and to ponder.

I lost a friend. Well, she was more like an acquaintance. A close acquaintance. She defriended me. I called myself hurt, then angry, then annoyed. Then I got over it. She took issue with the decisions I made for my family. Every decision. Every time. In reality, though, her biggest issue was that I had a family. By myself. She's a single mom, too. But it's nothing she would've chosen. She had a hard transition. And mine was just too simple. I was thinking about her: her words, her spitefulness, her problems.
My dog ran away. On a work day. As I was running late. She got out. She was picked up by the cops. They took her to doggy jail. They called me. They want more money than I have - or for me to go to court - to get her out. To me, that choice looks like: Feed my son or get my dog from the pound. Miss a day of work to get my dog from the pound or be able to pay my rent. So, for me, the choice is simple. But I miss her. And I was thinking about her: her spirit, her problems.

I decided that this past year was the roughest year of my life. And I would do it all again. I would change some things, if I could. Like my dad dying before my son was born. The timing of when I moved home. But, for the most part, every minute of it has been worth it. I love my life. Bills are overdue. Notices placed on doors. But I love it. I have an amazingly brilliant, sweetheart of a son. I wouldn't change a thing about his life. I have never in my life had so much fun. Sure, there's plenty of stress - more than enough to share. Sure, there's plenty of disappointments. But my son has made living a thrill.

Question is... do I want to share that thrill?????

Gettin Grown

So, I finally got over my lil crush on the chronically unavailable. Actually, I just gave him up. Not out of altruism, not out of wisdom... I'm not that grown. Instead, I found someone else to dream of.

That's when it occurred to me.

Maybe, just maybe, the constant development of crushes is a symptom of something larger. I thought at first it was me re-thinking the whole single mother thing. Natch. Then I realized that it is more of a maternal thing. I'm not sure, really, that this new crush is really my type but he's so great with children! So the question arises: What changes with motherhood? Does attraction change its rules? Do you grow past the physical? Does motherhood cause certain introspection through which you are able to heal, to grow?

It's not just that I desire, all of a sudden, a man who wouldn't have -- and didn't -- turn my head 6mos. ago (and who, honestly, was a bit suspect to me...). It's more complicated than that. What if I've become one of those women? You know the ones I mean: the women who spend their time searching for a father for their children. Yeah, I don't wanna be that chick! I'm not saying that, as a mom, I should or will be interested in men who are dare-devils or reckless or whatever. But should the question of being single really focus around fatherhood? I mean, wouldn't it make more sense for me to be considering something... hell, anything... else at this point?

But, since we're here, let's consider the question: Do I need a baby daddy? I think that's one of the major questions for all SMCs. Some choose to answer "Yes, of course," others declare, "It would be optimal." And I? Well, I think I've rather valorized being single. It's the curse of the philosopher. The super-religious, of course, despise the choice and declare that only a two-parent household is suitable for children. Right. The psuedo-religious somehow find their way to that same argument. But I wonder: Do I need a man? I, who by my own admission, am single by choice wonder if that choice is the right choice. Or if it's a reactionary choice. Am I so hung up on where I've been that I've chosen where I'll go? That is, am I allowing my past to determine my future rather than choosing my own path?

In a few weeks I'll deliver a child, a boy, a son. How do I, this little boy's only parent, go about making a world that is ideal, optimal for his growth? How do I consider this question? From a philosophical view, basing it in theology? What do I do for my son? Must any of it require a man? Do I need a man?

All of this, of course, follows a great weekend. The nursery is put together; I do need to change some things around the house but I'm ready for my baby! He's dropped, heels over head, kicking my ribs, gall bladder and stomach. I'm sooo ready. I do hope he makes his appearance soon. I don't really want to wait until my due date. I'd rather have him sooner than later. But I think that's ... well, pushing it so to speak. I am thrilled, though, whether I have a man or not, to have a child, to be a mom!!