Gettin Grown

So, I finally got over my lil crush on the chronically unavailable. Actually, I just gave him up. Not out of altruism, not out of wisdom... I'm not that grown. Instead, I found someone else to dream of.

That's when it occurred to me.

Maybe, just maybe, the constant development of crushes is a symptom of something larger. I thought at first it was me re-thinking the whole single mother thing. Natch. Then I realized that it is more of a maternal thing. I'm not sure, really, that this new crush is really my type but he's so great with children! So the question arises: What changes with motherhood? Does attraction change its rules? Do you grow past the physical? Does motherhood cause certain introspection through which you are able to heal, to grow?

It's not just that I desire, all of a sudden, a man who wouldn't have -- and didn't -- turn my head 6mos. ago (and who, honestly, was a bit suspect to me...). It's more complicated than that. What if I've become one of those women? You know the ones I mean: the women who spend their time searching for a father for their children. Yeah, I don't wanna be that chick! I'm not saying that, as a mom, I should or will be interested in men who are dare-devils or reckless or whatever. But should the question of being single really focus around fatherhood? I mean, wouldn't it make more sense for me to be considering something... hell, anything... else at this point?

But, since we're here, let's consider the question: Do I need a baby daddy? I think that's one of the major questions for all SMCs. Some choose to answer "Yes, of course," others declare, "It would be optimal." And I? Well, I think I've rather valorized being single. It's the curse of the philosopher. The super-religious, of course, despise the choice and declare that only a two-parent household is suitable for children. Right. The psuedo-religious somehow find their way to that same argument. But I wonder: Do I need a man? I, who by my own admission, am single by choice wonder if that choice is the right choice. Or if it's a reactionary choice. Am I so hung up on where I've been that I've chosen where I'll go? That is, am I allowing my past to determine my future rather than choosing my own path?

In a few weeks I'll deliver a child, a boy, a son. How do I, this little boy's only parent, go about making a world that is ideal, optimal for his growth? How do I consider this question? From a philosophical view, basing it in theology? What do I do for my son? Must any of it require a man? Do I need a man?

All of this, of course, follows a great weekend. The nursery is put together; I do need to change some things around the house but I'm ready for my baby! He's dropped, heels over head, kicking my ribs, gall bladder and stomach. I'm sooo ready. I do hope he makes his appearance soon. I don't really want to wait until my due date. I'd rather have him sooner than later. But I think that's ... well, pushing it so to speak. I am thrilled, though, whether I have a man or not, to have a child, to be a mom!!

This Week's Top Ten!

Top Ten: reasons I wish I had a partner

10. To go get ice cream and popsicles at 1am

9. To wash my car (seriously...it's been a few years!)

8. To massage my feet

7. To have effective conversations with the guys at Home Depot

6. To bring in extra money

5. To run all my errands

4. To cook me breakfast

3. To unload my truck when I buy bedroom sets

2. To load and unload the dishwasher

1. We would have a bigger apartment!

Okay, so maybe I just need a maid...and a handyman... and a day at the spa.

But, honestly, there are a couple of things I didn't consider when choosing single motherhood. The top of the list, really, is that pregnant women can't move furniture. I don't do dependent well and, here, I am, unable to actually do the simple things in my own house. Frustrating is so not the word for it! I feel so utterly useless... sitting around waiting for someone to come do something for me. What happened to standing on your own two feet? What happened to do for yourself? Okay, so I get it: I can't actually carry lil boy and ... anything else at the same time. And he is the priority. But it's God-awfully dehumanizing!

Manna means "What Is It?"

Anxiety comes natural to me. I am, after all, my mother's child... just as she was her mother's child. I have never in my life been so anxious as I am now. The "what if"s the "how will I"s, the "what am I going to do"s ...the questions pague me. And I... I must admit I am completely at a loss. The next step seems to have me befuddled much of the time. Counting, planning, organizing... knowing the next step: not so much my forte. But I'm growing and learning. Theoretically. Somehow, my child will have everything he needs. Seems his name is appropo.

He's dropped. That's good news...and scary news. He's preparing to be born and, as much as I'm ready to not be pregnant, I'm not ready for his arrival. Not in the least bit. Even as I'm sitting here, there is work I should be doing, words I should be writing (other than these) and, clearly, it's not exactly happening. Pulling it together, yeah, that's the goal. Knowing HOW to do that... yeah, that's the problem. It seems that growing up and becoming an adult -- in faith and in general -- aren't as easy as it seems. Getting my act together...geesh!

But time is winding up. And I really need to get ready! I'm just rather at a loss for what exactly that means.

TO THE WRITING ITSELF!

Away We Go!

I finally decided to write a blog. In part because I think my journey should be chronicled and in part because I realize my friends and family should be able to keep up with what's going on with me and my child. Well, that and it's a great way to procrastinate on all the writing I really need to get to. So, multiple reasons!

THAT said... away we go.

So, today, I'm 33weeks and 4 days pregnant. I'm hot, sticky and HUGE. I know it's a little selfish, but I'm sick to death of being pregnant. I do need to clean my son's room, do a little organizing, and attend a labor class before I will actually be ready for Salahaldin to show up... so I'm not begging him to come out immediately. And, I'd like him to grow a little. 34weeks is a bit too soon for his emergence.

BUT it is ridiculously hot. And I'm the chick that prefers it hot outside! But pregnant in the summer makes it just miserable. I keep thinking that timing a summer birth probably wasn't the smartest thing I've ever done. But I really didn't think I'd be this dang miserable! It is so ridiculously hot --inside and hot-- that leaving the house is just not an option. And I feel so bad for being a hermit! I'm trying hard not beat myself up for not going to church..again..today. It just wasn't an option for me to actually get out of bed to go be miserable in public. But it makes me feel like I'm not taking ministry seriously. Eventually, I guess, I'll get to the point where I understand that I'm actually pregnant and can't do everything I would normally do. Right... I've got about 6weeks left to adjust to being pregnant... yeah, should've done that by now.

It's not like I don't love my son -- I do. This is really a dream come true. But... ENOUGH already!