Again

Who cares about Fredrich Schleiermacher
when your rent is due
and it looks like you may have to find another place to live.
Again.
When you're working but
it's not enough to pay the bills
and your brakes are shot
and your kid is sick.
AGAIN.

You want me to write what?
About what?
Who cares?

Next week is my snack week.
When is payday?
When will the state benefits come through?
Rent is due.
Daycare bill too.
Count the pennies.
Count the days.
Can we make it?
Again?


Down to that last drop of oil.
Can I borrow a jar?
I need to see how far this stretches.
Seems like it won't go too far.
Did I choose this life?
Is this the life I sought?
Worry
chases
dread
chases
fear
chases
sigh.

I'd like 2
but if my ends are still strangers with 1
how
can
I
AGAIN?

Gotta write.
Gotta get it finished.
Can't live this way forever.
Need to be in my field of choice.

Karl...
I think his name was Barth.
Barf.
Is that a cough?
He's still not sleep.
Focus.
Barth said...
or was it Kierkegaard?
Soren.
The philosopher.
Not the pediatrician.
I should e-mail her about his rash.
Right.
Write.

DuBois
Due bills.
bell hooks
Facebook: Is this normal? Should he be...?
C. West
I need rest.
Anna Julia Cooper
That was the dryer.

Focus.
This wasn't in the "Idiots Guide to Single Motherhood"
I checked.
It doesn't say your life will be great
until
all your bills arrive marked final notice
and your paycheck arrives with less and you notice
the kid's cough is getting worse
the refrigerator is getting empty
the laundry is piling up
the floor is filthy.
(Whatever happened to the dog?
Right.
Didn't have enough cash to bail out her escaping ass.)
No one wrote
that you'll choose a daycare that will teach your child
but you will go broke.
(Excellence costs cash
but sub par is more costly.)
I think I would remember if I read,
"all of those thoughts and ideas in your head
take second place to troubleshooting diaper rash
and travel snacks."
Even the "I-And-Thou" takes on a different meaning
when I am struggling solely for thou.
It could be profound
if I had time to stop and think about it.

Great band.
One time event.
On a weeknight?
Not a chance.
Our lives are so different.

Maybe if I
didn't do this alone
or had a partner
or child support
or didn't care about his mind
or lived in a different home
or had a different life
maybe
maybe
maybe

I could care about theories of pain
and neo-orthodox claims
and Schleiermacher's name
and Black Intellectual fame
and theology and race's game...
again.